Well, this is truly terrifying.

*names have been changed to protect our privacy*

I'm going to tell you something I've never told another person.

I have vaginismus. And I've known about it for eight years. I've only recently begun treatment. I'm in therapy and have recently been referred to a sex therapist. I'm scared to make the call for an appointment.

My therapist told me I had to have a pelvic exam since I've never had a successful one. The gynecologist prescribed me some Diazepam to calm my anxiety. It did absolutely nothing. I wonder if it's possible that I have an intolerance for it. I remained nervous and agitated. It's kind of funny actually, I kept saying, "I wish I was wonky, I wish I was wonky." Josh's (my husband, are you surprised? It is possible to be married and have NO SEX) presence there did help, though, as did the deep breathing and relaxation that my therapist and I had talked about. My blood and urine were taken and they checked my heart and lungs and I was pronounced healthy in that regard. They also did a breast exam and I was happy to know there was no abnormality there since breast cancer and cysts run in my family. When it came time to do the pelvic exam, the nurse practitioner (Dr. Pennegran was out sick - they gave me the option of rescheduling but I decided to go ahead and try anyway) was very good about telling me each thing she was going to do before she did it. She also let me see the speculum she was going to use. Yikes! She was very gentle and sympathetic, but I was unable to complete the exam. She was just able to get started and then I would tense up too much to continue. Very frustrating for me, though Josh was very supportive and patient. He rubbed my back while I cried and told me he's not going anywhere.

Anyway, she referred me to a specialist, actually a sex therapist, Dr. Penny Washington and they scheduled me an appointment to try the pelvic exam again in April after Dr. Washington talks to me. I elected to see the nurse practitioner again when I go back.

I keep telling myself that I'm taking positive action to overcome this, but it's still pretty depressing. Josh is my rock.

I've emailed Dr. Washington and am supposed to call her office today to make an appointment and then we'll see what happens.

Someday I'll write a book about all of this, anonymous most likely. I know there are other women out there who are going through this and we should be able to share our stories.