Bad dreams the past two nights. I can't remember the night before last but last night, I dreamed that Josh was making me leave. He said to take whatever I could carry on my back and get out. I kept asking why and he wouldn't say. I screamed and punched and clawed but he woundn't say. I put on coat after coat, thinking about being homeless.

I woke up crying.

I think this is some sort of fear of rejection coming to the surface. I almost wish I was rejected. He deserves a lot better than me.

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We're going back to the sex therapist this week. Though it seems we're progressing (ie, following the doctor's instructions for our "homework," I'm a little concerned that things don't seem to be getting easier. Even if I do the finger exercises every other day, it's a nightmare every time. It's not painful, but the internal "cringe" is almost overwhelming.

I watched a movie where a woman had to be intubated (that's where they put a tube into you, in this case it was down her throat), and her struggles and fear reminded me of my own.