...sex therapist for the first time. She's so confident! She gave me some exercises to do and encouraged me to keep seeing Dana and to come back in a couple of weeks with Josh for a joint session.
I told her about my feelings of being "defective" and she assured me that that is not so. My body works correctly, we just have to get my brain to agree with it. Another option for my problem is vulvodynia, which I'd need to have diagnosed by a gynecologist. Yikes. I'm not quite ready for that yet.
So I'm to continue with the exercises, basically getting comfortable with touching myself so that the dilators (or a penis, or a speculum) won't be so scary when I'm ready for that. Also, she encouraged me to make the room I do the exercises in as comfortable as possible. Soft music, warmth, dim lighting...
Once I'm able (or not able) to do this, the next step may be an anti-anxiety medication. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I've had a lot on my mind lately, so the anxiety for this appointment was kind of shoved to the back of my mind, but I do plan to try the "appointment for anxiety" idea that Dana gave me.
Wish me luck!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
I can feel myself getting ready to wallow
so I'm going to write instead.
The depression and anxiety that is brought on by vaginismus affects Josh, too.
We haven't really "talked" lately, so the other morning before I went to work, I cornered him in the kitchen. It turns out that my failure during the exam was very discouraging to him. Though he was extremely supportive of me while I was in the exam room and really every moment of every day since, he was saddened to actually be there and see that I have a real problem and it's not all "just in my head." I tried my best to encourage him, saying, "We are GOING to get through this." I wasn't lying. With my little "team" around me, I am much more confident that we will be able to have kids one day, to have a normal sex life.
The fact that my strongest ally has been proven to be only human is a little step back. I spent the day at work trying not to think about it. My therapist (hereafter known as Dana) told me to it's not especially good to avoid the anxiety altogether and to "make an appointment" to think about it. So instead of having ten five-minute stress-outs a day, I tell myself, "No, I'm supposed to think about that at 8:00." and I have one 30-minute stress-out. I'm still working on it. The deep breathing and relaxation exercise she's taught me is working well.
I've been listening this song quite a bit lately.
It's called "The Cure for Pain."
The depression and anxiety that is brought on by vaginismus affects Josh, too.
We haven't really "talked" lately, so the other morning before I went to work, I cornered him in the kitchen. It turns out that my failure during the exam was very discouraging to him. Though he was extremely supportive of me while I was in the exam room and really every moment of every day since, he was saddened to actually be there and see that I have a real problem and it's not all "just in my head." I tried my best to encourage him, saying, "We are GOING to get through this." I wasn't lying. With my little "team" around me, I am much more confident that we will be able to have kids one day, to have a normal sex life.
The fact that my strongest ally has been proven to be only human is a little step back. I spent the day at work trying not to think about it. My therapist (hereafter known as Dana) told me to it's not especially good to avoid the anxiety altogether and to "make an appointment" to think about it. So instead of having ten five-minute stress-outs a day, I tell myself, "No, I'm supposed to think about that at 8:00." and I have one 30-minute stress-out. I'm still working on it. The deep breathing and relaxation exercise she's taught me is working well.
I've been listening this song quite a bit lately.
It's called "The Cure for Pain."
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Vaginismus, in case you don't know
is an involuntary spasm of the vaginal muscles, making intercourse (or a pelvic exam) painful or, in my case, impossible.
It's supposedly not as rare as I thought, though the places I've scheduled my appointments to treat it have all had to ask me to repeat the name as though they'd never heard of it before.
This is so frustrating.
I'm seeing my therapist this week. I know she'll be supportive and encouraging of the steps I've taken thus far, but I just really wish the Valium had worked. I had it all set in my mind. I was going to be so "out of it" that I wouldn't care at all what was happening in my nether regions. Heck, maybe Josh and I could go home that very same night and make love for the first time. I was all set to ask the doctor about the possibility of going on the pill. So much for that idea.
I am willing myself to remain positive and remember that at least I am doing something about it. Finally.
More later.
It's supposedly not as rare as I thought, though the places I've scheduled my appointments to treat it have all had to ask me to repeat the name as though they'd never heard of it before.
This is so frustrating.
I'm seeing my therapist this week. I know she'll be supportive and encouraging of the steps I've taken thus far, but I just really wish the Valium had worked. I had it all set in my mind. I was going to be so "out of it" that I wouldn't care at all what was happening in my nether regions. Heck, maybe Josh and I could go home that very same night and make love for the first time. I was all set to ask the doctor about the possibility of going on the pill. So much for that idea.
I am willing myself to remain positive and remember that at least I am doing something about it. Finally.
More later.
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