A mini update.

Ok, so I go back and forth between moments of hope and despair. I have to believe I'll get through this, and I know I'm doing the right thing by getting help, but it's not getting any easier.

We saw the sex therapist this week and she is incredibly encouraged. She has every confidence that we're making the right progress. Josh and I are doing our assignments and all seems to be going as she expects.

God, eight years!

I can't change the past, so I'm not going to dwell on it.

I'm scared to get my hopes up.

Josh says I'm getting less "jittery" when he comes near my vagina with his fingers. I still feel afraid, but I try my best to stay still and calm. Deep breaths.

There is progress, it's just so hard!

I'm going to do this!

Bad dreams the past two nights. I can't remember the night before last but last night, I dreamed that Josh was making me leave. He said to take whatever I could carry on my back and get out. I kept asking why and he wouldn't say. I screamed and punched and clawed but he woundn't say. I put on coat after coat, thinking about being homeless.

I woke up crying.

I think this is some sort of fear of rejection coming to the surface. I almost wish I was rejected. He deserves a lot better than me.

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We're going back to the sex therapist this week. Though it seems we're progressing (ie, following the doctor's instructions for our "homework," I'm a little concerned that things don't seem to be getting easier. Even if I do the finger exercises every other day, it's a nightmare every time. It's not painful, but the internal "cringe" is almost overwhelming.

I watched a movie where a woman had to be intubated (that's where they put a tube into you, in this case it was down her throat), and her struggles and fear reminded me of my own.

Here's a little more detail than I'm used to giving.

When I discovered the name of my condition, I started looking into possible treatment options. Most sites that even mentioned vaginismus talked about using a series of dilators to "open" and "stretch" the vagina to get you ready for intercourse, vaginal exams, tampon usage or whatever. Thinking I had found the cure, I ordered the kit, complete with coursebook and workbook, a set of dilators, a DVD, etc.

Went through the workbook. A breeze. It asks you about your childhood, your thoughts on sex and intimacy, your medical history, etc. I was raised in a home with two loving parents, given normal "sex ed" classes, and have no history of abuse, sexual or otherwise.

I'm wondering why this disorder has chosen to infest MY body. Ah, but I digress. Knowing why won't get me any closer to a cure.

The easy part complete, we come to the dilators. If you have a fear of penetration, how are you supposed to insert the stupid things?! Not to mention that the "big one" is so much bigger than any human penis. How intimidating! Not to mention humiliating.

I could barely use even the tiny one. My hope was crushed.

Enter Dana and Dr. Washington. Every person with this disorder needs to have someone to talk to. I can't even dream of telling my family about this stuff, but somehow, at the end of my rope, I found the strength to reach out for help. These women have given me so much encouragement.

Skip the dilators. Find a quiet, private place where you feel relaxed. Soft lighting, maybe music if you feel so inclined. Become familiar and comfortable with your anatomy. It's important to know where everything is "down there." Every part has a name and a function, and you need to know what it is. Insert a finger into your vagina when you're ready. Even if you can only insert a fingertip, or even just touch the outer edge, that's a start.

Here's a cliche for you: knowledge is power. It sounds cheesy, but it's so true. The more you know about this condition, the better prepared you are to overcome it.

If you have ten grand to spend, by all means, check out the Women's Treatment Center in New York. (linked on the left). If you don't (and I definitely don't), please don't suffer alone. Check out the AASECT (also on the left). Find yourself a good therapist to talk to.

I'll make an effort to keep this blog updated and record my progress as it happens. After eight unconsummated years of marriage, I finally have hope of a normal sex life.

The joint session

went surprisingly well. Josh was able to offer some good insight and we got some fun "homework" to do. We have to experiment with different "sexual" activities to find out what is my level of comfort with them. It was a little weird talking about our sexual exploits with a virtual stranger, but she is pretty easy to open up to. Also, she told me to use my finger instead of the dilator for now, since a finger doesn't feel like a "foreign object." I'm to lay comfortably in bed with soft lighting and maybe some calming music and just insert it as far as I can without stressing myself out. It's nice to have a goal that I can actually meet. I mean, have you seen those dilators? They're huge!

We're going back next week. I hope to post some more specific practices that are prescribed for me, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with this whole thing. I'm getting better though, I promise.

I just saw the...

...sex therapist for the first time. She's so confident! She gave me some exercises to do and encouraged me to keep seeing Dana and to come back in a couple of weeks with Josh for a joint session.

I told her about my feelings of being "defective" and she assured me that that is not so. My body works correctly, we just have to get my brain to agree with it. Another option for my problem is vulvodynia, which I'd need to have diagnosed by a gynecologist. Yikes. I'm not quite ready for that yet.

So I'm to continue with the exercises, basically getting comfortable with touching myself so that the dilators (or a penis, or a speculum) won't be so scary when I'm ready for that. Also, she encouraged me to make the room I do the exercises in as comfortable as possible. Soft music, warmth, dim lighting...

Once I'm able (or not able) to do this, the next step may be an anti-anxiety medication. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, so the anxiety for this appointment was kind of shoved to the back of my mind, but I do plan to try the "appointment for anxiety" idea that Dana gave me.

Wish me luck!

I can feel myself getting ready to wallow

so I'm going to write instead.

The depression and anxiety that is brought on by vaginismus affects Josh, too.

We haven't really "talked" lately, so the other morning before I went to work, I cornered him in the kitchen. It turns out that my failure during the exam was very discouraging to him. Though he was extremely supportive of me while I was in the exam room and really every moment of every day since, he was saddened to actually be there and see that I have a real problem and it's not all "just in my head." I tried my best to encourage him, saying, "We are GOING to get through this." I wasn't lying. With my little "team" around me, I am much more confident that we will be able to have kids one day, to have a normal sex life.

The fact that my strongest ally has been proven to be only human is a little step back. I spent the day at work trying not to think about it. My therapist (hereafter known as Dana) told me to it's not especially good to avoid the anxiety altogether and to "make an appointment" to think about it. So instead of having ten five-minute stress-outs a day, I tell myself, "No, I'm supposed to think about that at 8:00." and I have one 30-minute stress-out. I'm still working on it. The deep breathing and relaxation exercise she's taught me is working well.



I've been listening this song quite a bit lately.

It's called "The Cure for Pain."

Vaginismus, in case you don't know

is an involuntary spasm of the vaginal muscles, making intercourse (or a pelvic exam) painful or, in my case, impossible.

It's supposedly not as rare as I thought, though the places I've scheduled my appointments to treat it have all had to ask me to repeat the name as though they'd never heard of it before.

This is so frustrating.

I'm seeing my therapist this week. I know she'll be supportive and encouraging of the steps I've taken thus far, but I just really wish the Valium had worked. I had it all set in my mind. I was going to be so "out of it" that I wouldn't care at all what was happening in my nether regions. Heck, maybe Josh and I could go home that very same night and make love for the first time. I was all set to ask the doctor about the possibility of going on the pill. So much for that idea.

I am willing myself to remain positive and remember that at least I am doing something about it. Finally.

More later.