Here's a little more detail than I'm used to giving.

When I discovered the name of my condition, I started looking into possible treatment options. Most sites that even mentioned vaginismus talked about using a series of dilators to "open" and "stretch" the vagina to get you ready for intercourse, vaginal exams, tampon usage or whatever. Thinking I had found the cure, I ordered the kit, complete with coursebook and workbook, a set of dilators, a DVD, etc.

Went through the workbook. A breeze. It asks you about your childhood, your thoughts on sex and intimacy, your medical history, etc. I was raised in a home with two loving parents, given normal "sex ed" classes, and have no history of abuse, sexual or otherwise.

I'm wondering why this disorder has chosen to infest MY body. Ah, but I digress. Knowing why won't get me any closer to a cure.

The easy part complete, we come to the dilators. If you have a fear of penetration, how are you supposed to insert the stupid things?! Not to mention that the "big one" is so much bigger than any human penis. How intimidating! Not to mention humiliating.

I could barely use even the tiny one. My hope was crushed.

Enter Dana and Dr. Washington. Every person with this disorder needs to have someone to talk to. I can't even dream of telling my family about this stuff, but somehow, at the end of my rope, I found the strength to reach out for help. These women have given me so much encouragement.

Skip the dilators. Find a quiet, private place where you feel relaxed. Soft lighting, maybe music if you feel so inclined. Become familiar and comfortable with your anatomy. It's important to know where everything is "down there." Every part has a name and a function, and you need to know what it is. Insert a finger into your vagina when you're ready. Even if you can only insert a fingertip, or even just touch the outer edge, that's a start.

Here's a cliche for you: knowledge is power. It sounds cheesy, but it's so true. The more you know about this condition, the better prepared you are to overcome it.

If you have ten grand to spend, by all means, check out the Women's Treatment Center in New York. (linked on the left). If you don't (and I definitely don't), please don't suffer alone. Check out the AASECT (also on the left). Find yourself a good therapist to talk to.

I'll make an effort to keep this blog updated and record my progress as it happens. After eight unconsummated years of marriage, I finally have hope of a normal sex life.